Home : Family : Relationships : Coping with adult children still at home


(35) comments about this tip

Adult children still living at home

Talk to your adult son or daughter about how long they want to stay at home for and why. Express your own views and reach a compromise. Communication is the key to improving relations with anyone. Remember that communication is a two way thing and involves you listening as well as your son or daughter.


To reduce friction, write out a contract outlining rules for food, expenses, chores and sharing facilities (such as the cooker and washing machine). Wage earners living at home should pay their own way as well as sharing household tasks. It is not always about the money, it will also prepare them for independence.


Install a contributions box next to the telephone. If you're desperate to stop calls, buy a phone lock


Coordinate social plans by encouraging everyone to use a family diary or bulletin board. (A parents' night out at the theatre might be a good time for an adult son or daughter to have friends
around, for example.) Set aside one evening a week or month for the whole family to have dinner together or perhaps go out for a drink.


Invest in large stackable, plastic containers (or vegetable racks) to store excess books and baggage until your child moves out. These containers are available from most hardware stores.



Visitors comments



The problem have is not addressed Comments By: Warren Harvey on 2004-08-08
My problem is that the two adult boys living here are hers, not mine. All the things suggested by you, she will not do.
 
Glad to know there are others Comments By: Ginni on 2004-11-08
My daughter is 22 yrs. old and still at home. I have been trying to "help" her tooo much. I think the compromise is an excellent idea. She is a great talker and knows my weaknesses well. I love her and I am guilty of trying too hard to be her friend instead of a parent with needs of my own.
 
problem not addressed Comments By: deb on 2005-04-05
yes what do you do with adult children who refuse to pay rent and they work?
 
Here's What You Do..... Comments By: Not A Bad Parent But A Good One on 2005-05-06
Tell your children that if they're not motivated to move out and employed by a certain age, you'll amend your will to state that they cannot benefit from any of it's contents until they're 59-1/2 years old. At least they'd have something to retire on by that time...sure worked for our two boys...both became completely independant within 8 months of getting this verbiage handed to them.
 
Raise your child by raising the stakes Comments By: I'll miss him when/if he goes on 2006-03-08
My employed-adult son lives with me. His rent increases every year by one third and household chores increase yearly. Perhaps we are enablers when we do not pack their things, put them on the porch and wave goodbye on their 21st birthday.
 
MEDIA plea - does your adult child still live at home? Comments By: Reporter on 2006-04-04
I'm a features writer for a national newspaper. I'm looking for families where adult children who still live at home. It's a fun light-hearted feature but I need a few families to help me out.

If you live in the UK and are interested in talking about the situation, please call me Jessica Boulton on 0207 2932143 or email [email protected]

 
Feel sorry for them...NOT ! Comments By: Independent in Florida on 2006-10-04
My younger brother and sister still live at home ( aged 28 and 32 ) and have never even attempted to live on their own. I feel really sorry for them when my parents pass away and they are homeless BUT, they will get zero help from me when this happens. They have basically been stealing from my parents by living there so long.
 
My daughter is never around Comments By: Jackie on 2008-07-15
I know I should be happy that she is never around, stays away for days. However, she leaves everything a mess, she has rats she is not taking care of and she has financial obligations she needs to take care of. I call and she doesn't answer the phone. Am I being wrong for being angry and I feel that she should move out? She's 23 years old and it bothers me that she stays out for days with people I don't even know. We fight about it all the time. She doesn't make enough money to live on her own and she cut her hours back so she could hang with her boyfriend more, whom I have not met.
 
No privacy Comments By: TJ on 2008-09-28
I write as I feel that only the son or doughters point of view is regarded in cases where adult children live at home.My sons still live at home and dont realise that I need some me time now, some privacy and beign able to do what I please without being answerable to their needs. I feel that I have less of this now than when they were children. I am 5I and had expected to have my home to myself by now. I chose to have children yes but I did not choose to live with other adults when I decided to have them. I love them dearly but as my offsprings not as uninvited house guest. I feel guilty but I do resent them being here. They have no concept of what its like for me. I cannot ask them to leave as I know that I would regret doing so in the long run. I feel helpless and have resolved to the fact that this is how its going to be by now.
 
At Home and not working Comments By: MCR on 2008-12-16
How do you deal with a son, 26, who lives at home, does not work, has numerous creditors calling, no car? Years of talking till I'm blue in the face. I do not know where to turn anymore
 
For the long suffering parents! TV SHOW! Comments By: JLC on 2009-01-27
If you have an adult son or daughter still living at home and would like to come on TV and have some silly fun & games about it, drop us an email at the new Justin Lee Collins Show for ITV and we can help! [email protected], or 0207 202 2418
 
Parents with adult children still at home wanted for TV Documentary Comments By: Katie on 2009-01-27
I am trying to find some families with adult males (in particular) still living at home for a new documentary. If you are a parent with a son over 18 still living at home I would love to hear from you.. please e mail me on [email protected]

Many thanks

 
We have 2! Comments By: Fed Up! on 2009-01-09
We have two grown sons living at home (23 and 25) both of them have a child of their own. One has lost his drivers license for two years, the other just go his back. One is working, the other is "looking for a job". They pay NO rent, eat like horses, resist doing any kind of house work or chores, never complete a task. We are really starting to feel resentful, used, abused and taken advantage of.
 
had enough Comments By: cara on 2009-02-14
I have three children at home one is 11, one is 13 and one is 22. I really enjoy bringing up my two younger children, but the older one I have already brought up. I try really hard to be patient and positive about it, but the truth is I just want him to leave and get his own life. It really gets me stressed sometimes and I feel I should be able to have some privacy from him.
 
lack of perspective Comments By: Loriane on 2009-02-17
I'm 25 and still live at home with my mom. However what people fail to realize is that many people in my situation are not doing so out of desire, but rather out of necessity. Back in our parents day a person could support a whole family with just a High School diploma. They went from "school to factory" as they say. But unless you've been living under a rock these past few years or decades for that matter, supporting one self let alone a whole family on an entry-level income has become virtually impossible. Yes, we could always go to college in order to get a better paying job and career, but seeing how the economy has deteriorated not everyone is able to pay for college. And yes there are always scholarships and financial aid, but its getting harder and harder to qualify for those things and even if you do, they don't pay for books, transportation, food, rent, light, gas, etc. And even then, you can only get those if you go to school full-time, so that kills the part-time job idea, which would barely pay for the expenses to get to and from work every day anyway let alone the fact that you'd need to come uo with and extra 10 hours a day in order to get everything done. I would LOVE to be able to afford my own place, but right now, even with an Associates degree, because of the economy I've been forced to take a job that only pays $1,400/mo. Which in New York City will only cover the rent on a small apartment. Even studios still go for $1,200 and up wich would only leave me with $200 to eat and clothe myself, travel, pay the electric, phone, internet,etc. Not to mention any medical bills not covered by insurance and we all know how much they love to pay for things. I see how much of a burden I am to my mom, especially now with the economy the way it is, but I am just as trapped in this situation as she is. I do my best to help her out with the rent and food and any other expenses but it seems like it's just never enough. An we didn't ask for this, we didn't mess up the economy, we didn't raise the living expenses, we didn't corrupt the health care system, so I resent it when some people presume that I'm taking advantage or mooching or doing this out of laziness. I travel 2 hours to and from work, put in my 40+ hr/wk, pay for all my own needs and help my mom out, so laziness is obviously not the problem.
 
My Nephews Comments By: Anon on 2009-03-07
I live with my sister who has two grown sons. They still have keys to the home although they have moved out.

They come and go as they please, letting themselves in with their keys.

When I described by displeasure to my sister, she stated that my attitude is the reason why they do not like visiting.

Am I wrong in the way I feel?

Thank you.

TipKing says: In my opinion you are correct to feel the way you do. You can never relax, not knowing when someone will walk through the door. If you and your sister have joint ownership/tenancy your wishes should be heard. It sounds like there is no love lost between you and your nephews so it should not matter how they feel when they relinquish the keys.

 
Fed up with adult children living at home? Comments By: Emily on 2009-04-15
BBC World Have Your Say is looking for parents who want their adult children to leave home. Call 00 44 2075570023 or email me: [email protected]
 
feeling unpressured Comments By: Anon on 2009-05-18
i am 22 and i don't feel pressured by my mum to move out. sometimes i feel she needs help with keeping the house but if my siblings and i moved out she would find it easier to do everything and i would be able to do some of the things that i don't feel confident doing. Like cooking real meals rather than using a gas cooker i could have electric. and using the washing machine (which i feel my mum would, although like the help, worry that i did something wrong). i was encouraged into college and the students there are more independent than i am even if they havent moved out they have jobs. i feel the only way to get a job is to move out as there are no vacancies in my area which means i will either have to learn to drive or move out or be late for every job i get because i caught the bus.
 
28 yrs old. Still living at home. Comments By: Anon on 2009-09-05
How do you deal with a son, 28, who lives at home, does not work, has numerous creditors calling, no car? Years of talking till I'm blue in the face. I do not know where to turn anymore.
Gets assistance from the state, and won't take advantage of it. They will pay for better education, dental, mental health. (depression, and addiction). At my witts end!!

 
fed up!!!!! Comments By: leticia on 2010-01-17
I feel like I going explode... My daughter is living at home with me.. I'm taking care of all the cost.. I have to set boundries because this is killing me financially. I also sense some rebellion,like I owe her this!!
 
What's an appropriate rent? Comments By: anon on 2010-01-28
UK. I'm retired and my wife is unable to work. Son, 25, self employed franchisee, has 5-year extension to MY mortgage for which he is paying me back monthly. (280 pm) He's been at home for 18 months and is now getting on his feet financially, and we finally persuaded him he should be paying for his keep. Question is: how much is appropriate? Should we ask him to pay what he costs us, or is it fair to ask for a third of the costs of maintaining the home? My pension is about 12k, his projected earnings are about twice that!
 
lack of perspective? Comments By: fritz on 2010-02-03
Loriane,
If you are not paying half the rent/mortgage, utilities and groceries, you are mooching.

 
Value Comments By: A on 2010-03-08
Moving out is overrated. If a child is in college and/or working, supporting the household, then parents should be elated. Especially if they aren't causing any problems. Keep your children close, appreciate them, life is too short.
 
TV documentary Comments By: jane on 2010-03-17
hi, I am looking for parents and adult children who still live together, for a light hearted look at kids who still live at home. Please get in touch if you can spare a few minutes to chat, or email. Jane 0208 846 2123 [email protected]
 
long way to go Comments By: laurie on 2010-03-28
My 2 adult children are at home, boy 20 and girl 22..They speak to me with constant contempt as if I am some kind of household help. Will do very little around the house, and whine and cry if I ask that the dishwasher get emptied. Both are smart and in college. If I try to talk about anything they talk over me and imply that I am impared or crazy. My husband is quiet and that is enough that they feel he is condoning their behavior. I have been very depressed for years. I put everything into these two people and now they hate me and I have no idea why. Daughter has her boyfriend spend weekend every other in the spare room. (He lives 3 hours away) Today I asked him to get me some milk and he walked away from me with no response. Complete disrespect all of them. I do not even own the third one. I want them all out. They make me very sad. I have told them that I am unable to leave-THEY ARE NOT
 
Loraine Comments By: laurie on 2010-03-28
Your parents did not set up the econmic conditions and so on. We only signed up until you could be on your own. If you cannot do that then we expect you speak to us with respect and kindness. We expect you to do your share of the housework, maybe more to make up for the lack of financial help. No complaints like a small child about how much you have done this week already.. No one cares. No "I will do it later" two hours later "I said I would do it" blah blah blah. Pick up milk and eggs if you know we are out. Take care of small things without being asked, like raking the lawn or getting the mail.
 
legally.. Comments By: local law student on 2010-04-10
as a student studying law, if you are making your childrena and others pay anything, like rent, you can't make them do chores, because you aren't acting as parent anymore, you are acting as landlord and they are now tenants. and now you can't just kick them out, you have to evict them which could take months. everything is legal now because money holds power. talk to your local law authority and lawyer if you are really having trouble with them. i'm studying in florida, so laws are different however in every state. look them up as well.
 
Problem with adults living at home Comments By: Jenne on 2010-07-21
I have two adult stepchildren living at home 21 & 22.
I wouldnt have a problem with it, if at home they acted like adults and not over grown spoiled children. After a certain age you should do your fair share of household duties and repect property and privacy. They do non of the above which my husband has no problem with, I do however. So if your a adult living at home chip in and and try to be helpful instead of a burden.

 
Adult stepson living at home Comments By: Fed up on 2010-08-14
I have a 25 year old step son living at home he does nothing but consume food and utulize everything we own for his own needs, thinks are missing money is stolen, forget about privacey, this man child goes through every nook and grany of our house while we my wife and go to work every day. him not being my child i have adifferant prospevtive than my wife. The best solution is to bat him down and throw him out but I can't so mabye I'll leave. screw him that selfish b@stard
 
42 old step son who mooches everything off his dad Comments By: Marlene Anon on 2010-10-10
This 42 year old s-son hasn't worked for almost 8 years. His dad has provided him with a house, cars, phone and utilities. He always has some excuse why he can't find a job or go to school. I swear, I don't know how he survives. He seems depressed. What the hell to do??? I am at the end of my rope.
 
42 old step son who mooches everything off his dad Comments By: Marlene Anon on 2010-10-10
This 42 year old s-son hasn't worked for almost 8 years. His dad has provided him with a house, cars, phone and utilities. He always has some excuse why he can't find a job or go to school. What the hell to do??? I am at the end of my rope.
 
26 year old son Comments By: fed up mom on 2010-12-19
my 26 year old son just came back to the area due to relocation of a job. He could have stayed in that area for a little more money but he chose to come back here and move in with me.He is lazy, so lazy he couldn't go get his truck inspected and registered, which has amounted to 1300.00 in fees and a suspended license. He broke his lease and has other charges and is making no moves to pay anything. He thinks he is going to drive my car with no license. I am not going to help him cause he sure isn't going anything to help himself. FED UP with his laziness.
 
21 Year Old College Drop Out Comments By: Mona Ellis on 2011-02-03
My 21 year old was just put out of the house. My husband refused to provide for him anymore. I admit, it was a strain on our marriage but I soon realized that he really did not want responsibility and bills. He actually adimitted this, Now he is living from place to place. I'm worried but tough love will make him stronger. We really don't help our children when we enable them. It's hard but it's fair.
 
I've read a lot of excuses Comments By: {Pam on 2011-02-19
I am 48 years old and have 4 grown children. My husband and I raised our children to know that when they turned 18 they could live at home free while in college full time or they would get a full time job and work their way out of the house. My oldest son joined the Army out of high school, came home 4 years later, got a job and moved out. He recently moved back home to cut expenses and go to college full time. Since he's 26, he has been expected to pay some rent and help around the house while attending college, then move out. My second son graduated high school and wanted to go to work. We charged him rent and he decided to find a roommate and move out. He is happily married now and supposrting a family. My youngest son graduated and moved to LA and became a full time vollunteer for 4 years. We would send him support money sometimes because we believed in what he was doing. He never asked for money and we only gave it when we wanted. He recently moved to NY city and is supporting himself on very little money. He's happy and moving up in his job and once again, never expects any help from us. My youngest, a daughter, graduated high school at 16 and begged to move out at 17. We finally said OK, but that she was choosing to become an adult and we were not supporting her, although she was more than welcome to move back if it didn't work out. She fully supported herself and is also putting herself through college. We have wonderful relationships with our children and are very proud of each of them even though we don't agree with everything they do. They know they are loved and they can come to us whenever needed, but as parents we believe that by makeing their own way, they are happier and much more productive than if we did everything for them.
 
24 daughter, 29 year old son at home not paying keep help Comments By: deflated mum on 2011-07-09
when they were young they help round the house hoovering, hanging washing out tidying up and their bedrooms were tidy, since they left school they work but dont get there in time, because they are good workers their bosses accept it, but pay low wages, they refuse to pay keep and are always out partying, enjoy all the freedom with no responsibility
 



Ask a question Send in a tip Contact TipKing Books Privacy Disclaimer Feed
Tipking 2000-2011 All rights reserved Last update: Thu Nov 17 2011

Popular Pages